In a stunning demonstration of just how fast a winning season can make people lose their minds, a new drama is brewing inside the walls of Gillette Stadium. And no, it’s not about rookie sensation Drake Maye’s Pro Bowl chances or if Coach Vrabel’s voice can actually shatter glass.
It’s about Colin Kaepernick.
Yes, that Colin Kaepernick. The one who last played a professional football game when the iPhone 7 was the hot new thing.
In a report that seems to have originated from a fever dream, six players on the 6-2 New England Patriots have reportedly formed a small, anxious pact. They have threatened to “demand a trade,” “retire to sell supplements on Instagram,” or “at the very least, pout heavily on the sidelines” if the team makes a move to sign the 38-year-old free agent for their potential Super Bowl run.
Their reasoning, whispered by a source who definitely wasn’t just a guy in a parking lot wearing a “Saturdays Are For The Boys” flag as a cape, is that Kaepernick is, and you may want to sit down for this, “too woke.”
“The vibes are just too good right now,” one of the alleged concerned players, a practice squad tight end who has been active for one game, reportedly told his agent. “Drake [Maye] is slinging it. The defense is clicking. We’re 6-2. The last thing we need is someone coming in here talking about… you know… issues. It’s distracting. What if he wants to discuss a book during film study? Or use ‘systemic’ in a sentence? I’m just trying to focus on my blocking assignments.”
The entire premise, of course, is baffling to anyone with a passing knowledge of the Patriots’ current roster. The team is currently quarterbacked by Drake Maye, the third-overall pick who, after a Pro Bowl rookie season, is currently playing like a top-5 QB in the league. The Patriots’ “quarterback emergency” is non-existent. They are, in fact, experiencing a rare quarterback surplus of talent, a problem they haven’t had since 2020.
“Sign… who now?” said a visibly confused offensive lineman when cornered by a reporter. “Kap? Are we scrimmaging the 2015 49ers? I’m worried about the Saints’ defensive line. I’m worried about what’s for lunch. I am not worried about a guy who hasn’t been in the league for nine years.”
But the “Patriot Six,” as they’re not being called by anyone credible, are apparently unbothered by facts. Their concern is purely ideological.
“We have a ‘Do Your Job’ culture,” another one of the players, a special teams gunner, was overheard saying in the locker room. “My job is to run down the field very fast and avoid a block. His job would be to… what? Make us think about things? That’s not in the playbook. It’s a gateway. You start with ‘social justice’ and before you know it, the post-game spread is all quinoa and kale. It’s a slippery slope.”
The rumor seems to have been sparked by a single, unverified social media post from a user named @BostonSportsGuy88, who tweeted, “Pats need a vet QB for the SB run just in case. What about Kap?” This was apparently interpreted by the six players as a concrete, imminent front-office maneuver.
Head Coach Mike Vrabel, a man who looks like he’d rather wrestle an alligator than answer a hypothetical question, was predictably blunt in his press conference.
“What?” he said, staring at the reporter who dared ask. “We’re 6-2. Our quarterback is Drake Maye. We are preparing for New Orleans. I am not talking about a guy who is not on our team, not on any team, and is older than half my coaching staff. Next question.”
When the reporter followed up, mentioning the players’ “woke” concerns, Vrabel simply leaned into the microphone. “The only ‘woke’ I care about is being wide-ass-awake for a 1 p.m. kickoff. Get out of here with that.”
The reaction from the rest of the locker room has been a mix of pure bewilderment and quiet mockery.
“Wait, some guys are mad about a ghost?” one starting receiver reportedly laughed. “A ghost who they think is too woke? Man, I’m just happy we’re winning. If they signed my high school history teacher to be the emergency third-stringer, I wouldn’t care as long as we get a ring. These dudes are worried about the wrong stuff. They should be worried about getting cut, not about a guy’s political opinions from 2016.”
As of Tuesday afternoon, the “crisis” appears to be contained. The front office has not, in fact, reached out to Colin Kaepernick, as they are reportedly too busy drawing up contract extensions for their superstar-in-the-making quarterback.
The six players, however, are rumored to be holding firm, vowing to protect the locker room’s delicate, non-woke ecosystem that has propelled them to their 6-2 record.
“We’ve got a good thing going,” the practice squad tight end allegedly said. “And I’m not going to let a 38-year-old activist who’s been out of the league for a decade come in here and ruin it by being too aware of the world.”
